The Silver Lining of Loss

This week I was given an assignment in my English class in which I was to write a narrative essay about an important event from my childhood that I did not understand at the time, but that I have come to understand as I have grown. Though I have written about it numerous times, I chose to write about my father’s death. However, I also wrote about my father-in-law’s death, how both of them were connected for me, and how each event changed me. As far as I can remember, this is the most detailed and emotional account I have written of each of their deaths and by far the hardest to not only write, but to continuously re-read, revise, and re-write. I wanted to share because so many people have experienced parental bereavement and so rarely allow themselves to go back and think about it, feel it and learn from it. I have finally found a place of acceptance and allowed myself to learn what I subsequently became because of each of these awful experiences.


I don’t have to turn this in until tomorrow, so I am hoping for some constructive criticism from those who were not there for a personal account, who can feel it as I felt it just by reading the story. Regardless of criticism, I hope that for these few moments, you can see the world accurately through my eyes as my world crumbled twice over.

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The Silver Lining of Loss

I woke unexpectedly early. I smiled sleepily at the familiar touch that was the culprit of my waking until I heard a pained sigh and a hitched sob. Startled, I opened my eyes to the silhouette of someone I knew heart and soul but, even in shadow, I no longer recognized. Her shoulders were hunched, her face drawn and haggard, as though she had braved the fieriest depths of Hell to get to this seemingly quaint moment of stroking the bridge of my nose so early in the morning. I struggled to focus as my mind registered and matched this utterly broken stranger in front of me to the person I had known and loved for my entire life. Before I could say a word and without any prelude, my mother choked out the words that would forever change everything about who I was and who I would ultimately become, even though I did not truly know it at the time: “Honey, daddy died last night.”

When I was nine years old, summertime was glorious. For me, it meant endless days of being in the water as much as I could stand; every day I would gleefully hop onto my bicycle and ride to the community pool, where I would spend no less than eight hours swimming myself into exhaustion. My mother would shake her head and smile when I would come home, brushing my tangled green-tinged hair out of my eyes while pressing her cool hands to my cheeks, my forehead, and behind my ears in search of any signs of a fever. One such evening upon arriving home from the pool for the umpteenth time that summer, my mother told me we were going to my grandmother’s. I was torn between elation and disappointment; I loved going to visit my grandma, but there was no pool near her house. She and I took to the car the next day alone while my dad begrudgingly stayed behind for work. Bound for the hot, flat expanse of the Sacramento valley, she chattered along the way and rubbed her finger over the bridge of my nose whenever I would doze off. I would smile and open my eyes to her warm grin and playful scolding of preferring to have a conscious daughter to discuss “Big Ten-Oh” birthday plans with.

A few days later while sitting in my grandma’s living room watching a movie and humming along, the phone rang shrilly, bringing with it a curious sense of unease. I glanced at my grandma who was at the counter forming cookie dough into balls, so I got up from the couch and ran to the phone to answer it. I lifted the old ivory handset off of the wall, politely asked, “Hello?” and in return heard my dad’s voice for what turned out to be the very last time.

“Hey Sweet Bug, I need to talk to your momma. Can you get her for me?”

“Hi dad! How are you? When are you coming to Grandma’s?”

“Baby, I really need to talk to your mom. Get her for me now, please.”

I hesitated. My dad had never been short with me on the phone, especially when we had been apart for a few days. But I did as I was told.

“’Kay daddy, just a ‘sec.”

I covered the mouthpiece with my palm and called for my mom, who had been napping in her old bedroom. She emerged sleepy-eyed and groggy; I handed her the phone and she smiled, kissed me on the head and playfully poked my nose. I tried to return her smile, but the strange unease in the pit of my stomach had increased tenfold upon hearing his voice. He sounded awful; exhausted, hoarse, and not himself. I slowly backed away until I bumped into the kitchen counter, and watched my mother’s face as it progressively fell from sleepy contentment to confusion, to alarmed concern, and finally plummeted into flat-out panic before she glanced at me. Upon seeing the worried questioning in my eyes, she pulled herself together, quickly mumbled something to my dad and hung up the phone. At this point my grandma had also turned to face my mom, her expression a mask of concern and curiosity that mirrored my own. My mother took a deep breath and quickly blurted out, “Daddy is really sick. I’m going to go home for a few days to take care of him, but I’ll be back soon.” Anxiety colored her tone as she held my grandmother’s gaze, her eyes much like my own as each daughter looked desperately to her mother for reassurance. Only moments later, she pulled me into a frighteningly intense hug, then ran out the door and drove away. I stood in the doorway, staring after the car that had already disappeared from my sight with confusion and fear gnawing at my insides. My grandma came up behind me, wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and led me into the living room to talk. That night I slept restlessly, dreaming of dark things; images I couldn’t define but which nonetheless haunted me and kept me in quiet, thoughtful concern for the remainder of the week until the very moment five days later that I awoke to the shattered stranger that was my mother.

Eleven years down the road I found myself with my knees buckling, collapsing to the floor as agony tore through my entire being. Not two minutes prior, I received the phone call that had violently ripped me back into the memory of that morning with my mother so many years ago, turning the fragile world I had built upside down and shaking me to my core. My father-in-law had died. My husband was already at the scene; he knew. My brother-in-law was the one to break the news to me, calling us with condolences, unaware that I did not yet know. As the words reached me and my world stopped spinning, I could do nothing but clutch my chest as if desperately trying to keep myself from imploding. I knew I should have called my husband first, but I couldn’t. I fumbled over the buttons to dial my mother, trying desperately to see the blurry numbers through the torrent of tears. I screamed to her, panic and heartbreak ringing clearly in my cries. She was quiet for a moment, then told me to do what I thought –what I then knew– I could not: to take a moment and allow myself fall apart, but to then pull myself together and go to my husband.

She was asking me to do the unbearable: permit my heart to shatter, and only moments later piece all of the shards together again and draw on the strength of my re-forged heart to pass that strength to my husband. Impossible, I thought. But I could not shake an image out of my mind, one that simultaneously petrified me and strengthened my resolve: the memory of the way my mother looked the morning she told me of my father’s death, only with my husband in her place. In that instant I knew I had to go, knew I had to get to my husband as quickly as possible to try to catch as many pieces of him as I could before they all disappeared in the raging black hole left behind by the implosion and destruction of his brightest star. I found him at his father’s house on the porch, a perfect replica of the image I had feared. I ran to him and pulled him into my arms, trying desperately to hold the man I loved together as he crumbled. We cried; a muted stream of constant tears from me, an endless chain of hitched and broken sobs from him. I held him for what felt like hours, trying to wrap my mind around how this could happen to both of us and how we would ever survive life without him. It was as if my father had died all over again, but this time I was fully grown up and knew how to truly feel every searing, agonizing facet of the pain.

I was very young when my own father died. I never cried until weeks afterward, and even then it felt as if I cried because I was expected to. I missed my father terribly and I was heartbroken, but I did not understand. I knew logically that his death meant that he was never coming back; that I would never see him again. What I did not understand is how the death of a parent wholly alters the shape and being of a child and his or her future self. I did not understand that to the outside world, I would forever be that child who lost her father too young and should be pitied, or that I would forever be wary of any kind of relationship with men, terrified so much by the mere possibility of loving and losing them that I would subconsciously push every one of them away. I would be forever broken, and forced to build a façade that gave an air of acceptance and even slight indifference “because I was so young,” when it happened, though the truth lay in the opposite. When he died, I was too young to experience the grief as I needed to. I shut down, and the part of me that needed to process all those emotions in order to move on and grow hid quietly in a corner, biding her time.

When my father-in-law died, that hidden part of me burst from her shadowy forgotten corner, glowing in a passionate and terrible rage born from fear and despair. She brought forth with her every feeling I had spent the last 11 years since my own father’s death unconsciously subduing, and I thought I would die from the sheer concussive force of her escape. I have spent the years since my father-in-law’s death trying to put out the ancient fires of loss and anguish that she stoked, but over time I learned that those fires can never be extinguished. They are always there, smoldering endlessly like hot coals. However, I have learned to ease the flames through understanding what the lives and deaths of two of the three most important men in my life did to me as a whole. I am a completely different person because of each of those men, both for their influence on me while alive and just as much for their influence on me in death.

With their lives, they made me a woman of immense, unabashed love. Because of them I am strong and free-willed, independent and humbled by how lucky I am to have the family and life I do. With their deaths, I learned resilience, acceptance, and humility; how despair and the mere fear of it can drive a person to manic paranoia and crippling instability, and how to process –and even love– the intensely altered person I became. My love for them and my heartbreak at losing them brought about in me a fervent gratitude and wonder at the astounding man I still do have with me, and a constant desire to never take a moment of our amazing life and love we share for granted. These remarkable men taught me how to take something so profoundly negative and devastating and find the obscure, glowing silver lining there that helps to bring some balance and meaning to seemingly meaningless and cruel twists of fate. I am better because of each of them and everything they are and were, even on my worst days. Better, and eternally grateful.

New Year/Beginnings/Reservations

Again, it has been ages since I've blogged. I'm gonna try to be better about that.


It's been, strangely enough, exactly 6 months since I last blogged. It is a new year, a new decade... much has changed, and much is still the same. There is a lot of hope on the horizon, of lot of promise of good things to come, but those things aren't quite here yet.


To follow up on some things from my last post:

1) I finished my phlebotomy course. I passed with a B (I would have been happier with an A but really I was just ecstatic to get through the damn class), got all of my 40 required class-lab draws done, did a job shadowing in the ER in September which was awesome, but where I also contracted the H1N1 virus. My phlebotomy externship was due to start 5 days after my shadow and I wound up having to postpone it until mid-October as H1N1 kicked my ass. My externship was amazing. I met some truly wonderful people, both patients and hospital employees alike. I did realllly well and finished my externship with 118 draws, when the state only requires 50. I hardly missed at all and all of my patients seemed to be honestly impressed with my knowledge and skill, and most would forget I was a student. It was nice to say I did well and I am very proud of my accomplishments in that regard. At the end of November I finally had all the documents in hand that I needed to send in to the state to get my license, including my certificate from my school and the hospital, and my National certificate.





November 20th saw them shipped off via certified mail so they wouldn't give me any of that "we never received your paperwork" crap. I hunkered down and prepared to wait until at least February for a response, as that was the time frame people were giving me for the wait. However, Christmas day I happened to check the status on line just in passing, and discovered my application was approved, and very shortly thereafter I had a piece of paper with my license number on it. 2 weeks after that, I finally got my real license.

I nearly peed myself when this finally came, a full month earlier than I had expected it to. I'm super excited, but it hasn't changed anything unfortunately. In the 3 weeks that I have had my actual license in hand, I have yet to find a single opening at any location for a phlebotomist or lab assistant. While I'm proud of my accomplishment, the change a job would bring has yet to come to me.

2) I mentioned in my last post that we were considering filing for bankruptcy. Well... we did. When we found out that my hubby's wages were going to be garnished by over $400 a paycheck, there was absolutely no way we could have that happen and be able to keep our heads above water. We didn't really have a choice. I was totally against it at first and embarrassed, but I am now so happy that we did it. The weight of that financial burden being gone, of knowing that we no longer owe tens of thousands of dollars for ridiculous reasons to mean, heartless companies, is HUGE. My stress level has plummeted. Our relationship has gotten even better than it was, and it has brought us closer. It changed our habits for the better and gave us the opportunity to see and analyze the mistakes we were making, and learn how to make better financial choices from here on out. It was scary and expensive, but it's done and we are happy.

3) Babies. Still, none. But there is, finally, some hope. Remember that clinic I mentioned that specializes in PCOS that I had found? Well, we finally went down there in December. They were having a free seminar to introduce themselves and their practice to potential new clients, and to explain causes and possible treatments of infertility. The clinic is state-of-the-art and AMAZING. I walked in and nearly walked out because just by the decor I thought there might be a $1000 cover charge just to step over the threshold. But they are the same price as, and in same cases cost less than other clinics we have looked at. Scott loved the seminar for all its information; he was engrossed and I was surprised at his interest. He later explained that though he knew what my issues were, he never really knew what exactly our options could be, or why some people are infertile for other reasons and he found the whole thing fascinating. So we stayed and watched the videos and sat through the Q&A, and were invited to talk privately with the doctor doing the presentation if we were so inclined after the seminar was over. I had been very nervous the whole night, getting hopeful then telling myself to stop because I had heard so many "no's" before. So the moment the seminar ended, I grabbed Scott's hand and marched straight up to the doctor and introduced us, and told our story. How we've been to numerous clinics who refuse to help us because of my size. How it kills me that I see women hundreds of pounds heavier than me who can get pregnant, but I can't. How I understood the risks of carrying a child to term at my size and how I was willing to take those risks and sign away their worry of a lawsuit if something went wrong. And I flat-out asked him if he was going to reject me because I'm fat, or if he would understand that I am young and healthy and we want a family and deserve it, because if not then we weren't going to waste the money and time to drive down there again. He looked me straight in the eye and said he would never refuse to help someone get pregnant simply because of their size. He explained he had gotten women bigger than me and with worse cases of PCOS pregnant, and that he would love to work with us. I broke down crying right there, because I had honestly come to believe that no one would ever agree to help us unless I miraculously lost 150 pounds. I hugged him and cried on him, thanked him profusely, and we went out to a celebratory dinner. 2 weeks later, we had a (free, again!) phone consultation with him to discuss our issues and options and next steps. He wanted us to send over our medical records, have lab work done and for Scott to get a semen analysis and me to get an HSG, or hysterosalpingogram, which is a special kind of x-ray done on my uterus and remaining fallopian tube and ovary. The next phone appointment, which was last week, we went over all our tests and determined that my uterus is in excellent shape, Scott's sperm are just fine, and my tube is not blocked. He explained that fertility rates frequently go up after an HSG, so he wants us to try timing intercourse with my supposed ovulation (which I don't think is happening) and see what happens. So now we're stuck there. However, I have also recently been put on insulin, as oral medication alone has not been doing the trick. When I went in for my insulin instruction appointment, I was weighed for the first time in months. I discovered that I am now just 13 pounds away from the weight I needed to get to for my bariatric surgery, which I had kind of given up on. I don't know how I lost the weight, but now I am considering the surgery again. If I do it, my HBP and diabetes would probably go away, and we might not even need infertility treatment as things may normalize after the weight loss. But, if I do do it, we would have to wait at least a year to even start trying to get pregnant for the safety of the baby. I am torn. We both desperately want a baby now, but it seems much smarter to try to get my health fully straightened out, for the sake of not just our theoretical baby's well-being, but for my own. I don't want to be on all the medications I'm on when I'm pregnant. I don't want to barely be able to move because of the added weight. I want to be able to keep up with him/her as they grow. But I'm still terrified of the surgery, of having my system rerouted, of going under, of the possible complications, and of the way of life afterward. I love food. I don't eat badly... I love cooking and eating super delicious, local organic foods. I love experiencing other cultures through food. I love how food brings families together, and I love going out and trying new foods with my hubby. Food is an adventure, and "the only beautiful thing that truly nourishes." My surgery will condemn me to years of jello, cream of wheat, and very small amounts of very boring things. And even after that, even once I'm fully healed and at goal weight, there are foods I can never experience again, and it will always be in super tiny amounts. Giving that up is definitely worth getting a baby in return, but that doesn't make it any easier to commit to the decision. And though 13 pounds is not that much, it feels like 1,000 pounds. 13 pounds will not be easy for me to lose, as the last 35 has taken me ages to get off and I don't even know how I did it.

Reservations and decisions to be made are abundant right now... I feel like a sucky horoscope.

For my own sanity, I need to blog more often, so I will. That's all for today, but Daisy sends out her love:

I swears I'm not dead!

Good news: I have a life!

Bad news: I have no time to blog anymore!

I am pleased to announce that I now have my own "thing" as opposed to before, when I was usually just proud to say "I'm an engineer's wife" or my hubby this and my hubby that. Don't get me wrong, I'm majorly proud of my man, but for a long time I've felt like an extension of him and his career, just mulling along and supporting him without really having my own thing.

And now I do, and it's awesome.

Ladies and gents, I am about to become a state-certified phlebotomist, or for those with less-than-stellar medical terminology knowledge, a professional vampire. When you go to the lab to have you blood drawn, or go to the blood bank to donate blood (which, PLEASE, go do, right now!), I will be the one sticking the needle in you. Sounds weird, I know. but I LOVE it. I always wanted to be in the medical field, but never felt like I was good enough at school to handle the education, or like I was a strong enough person to handle the pressure that is ever-present in hospitals. But I wanted it, and I went for it. I registered for the SRJC's phlebotomy program, which is one of the hardest classes offered on the campus - 5.5 units in 8 weeks. We were poking each other on the very first lab day - head first into something that is quite terrifying. I was crazy scared at first, not only about having to put needles in people and hit the correct thing without hurting them more than necessary, but also about the studying and the tests, which I knew would be incredibly difficult. Thus far, I am one of the top students in the class, but in lecture/testing and the lab. I sucked at it at first and wondered if it was the right path for me, but I did something very unlike myself: I faced what I was scared of and dove into it as quickly as possible. I knew the only way to get past the fear of failing was to just do it, and learn from whatever mistakes I made. I was previously quite a coward at my core so this was a big deal for me; it has changed me enormously for the better in how I approach situations and has also been a wonderful boost to my confidence. I love what I'm doing, I love the people I'm working with, I love coming home and having something of my own to talk about, and I love having my own true identity and career goal. It's a huge step in the direction I want to go; I may have years of nursing school ahead of me but this will allow me to be getting hospital experience under my belt the whole time I'm in school, which will be invaluable once I'm actually a nurse and applying for jobs. It's a wild, busy ride but I'm really happy.

In other news, Daisy turned one in May, we had our 2nd wedding anniversary in June, for which hubby bought me a nice new laptop, and then later we got iPhones and pinned it on the anniversary for an excuse, too. =]

I freakin' love my iPhone. I had no interest in it until we went into the store to get new phones because our contract was up. I was dead set on the new Blackberry Curve, and within 15 minutes I was in love with the iPhone. It's just so handy and versatile, and my love for it must be quite clear because 2 weeks into my phlebotomy class, 3 of my 4 professors had gone and gotten one on account of me. I should get a commission.

Babies are still desired, but no closer. I found a fertility clinic in San Francisco that specializes in my condition, PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) but have yet to go down. My overwhelming desire for children is being set aside due to finances... my unemployment has run out, and we received word that hubby's wages are going to be garnished due to an old credit card. We thought we had dealt with them but apparently not, so we're going to see a lawyer tomorrow about possibly filing for bankruptcy, or at least finding a way to stop them. It really sucks and is causing so much stress that we just don't need... I hate it.

C'est la vie I guess... so much good going on, but always tainted by the bad.

My Vagina is a Masochist

***WARNING*** This post will be way TMI. Especially for you boys who are squeamish about the not-so-pretty side of lady parts. But I've got to get it out. Run.... run away fast!
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So yeaaahhhh, my vagina hates me. It has hated me since April of 1997 when womanhood finally reared it's snarling, evil head. Since that awful day, I've have gone though more super-plus flow tampons and overnight-flow pads and even diapers than most women and babies go through in their adult lives and infancies, respectively. It's a nightmare that never seems to go away and that is always evolving. Docs come up with a new way to kind of tame it, but within a year it becomes immune and figures out a way around said treatment and we're back at square 1. So there is only one conclusion, obviously... there is a masochistic, evolving demon that lives in my uterus. Fuck.

My first period required diapers. Not like hugely giant pads, but ACTUAL adult diapers that my mom brought home from the hospital. Somehow she did not seem concerned, or at least not as mortified as I was. I am 12 years old and bleeding out like someone jackhammered my cooter so she just brings home supplies to soak it all up. Nice. She had a similar experience, so she just warned me to tough it out and get used to it. SHE has had a hysterectomy at this point. If I weren't so desperately clinging to the ever-thinning chance of breeding little minions of my own, I would have done the same. It has actually been offered to my by my gynecologist... I am 23 years old and she has offered to give me a full hysterectomy should I ever choose it. That tells you how mean my cooter really is to me.


When I was 17, my masochistic vagina and her inner counterparts decided to spawn a friend. It started within my right fallopian tube and got so big that it obliterated the tube and grew into my ovary and stretched the whole thing out, from the inside, to just a useless, paper-thin layer covering this giant cyst. I missed the last quarter of my senior year recovering from it, and all I have to show for it is a scar the size of the Grand Canyon.

That is my surgeon's large, plate-sized hand, obscured in size by my monstrous cyst. Awesome, right?

This is not a little dish... this is a full-sized hospital bucket, nearly filled by the mass of my vagina's demon-spawn. This is also my ovary and fallopian tube, stretched completely around it so you have no idea either one is there. So now I'm like, half a woman.

This has been my worst experience thus far. I had not even been aware of the fact that anything was wrong until it shifted onto my hip nerve and had me screaming like a rabid banshee. It was filled with liquid so, when still inside me, it kinda spread out and formed to my organs so I looked like i maybe put on a little weight, but it wasn't like a big obvious watermelon tumor thing sticking out. Not to say I didn't look much better once the 17-pound monstrosity had been removed. I hope to never experience this crap again.

However, I'm terrified that I will. I keep waiting for one to pop up on my only remaining ovary and completely lose all hope of having babies. I want the babies. Sometimes I look at babies, full of poo and crying and general grossness and I almost wonder why. But I know without a doubt that I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world, and no matter how many doctors tell me it won't happen, I will keep trying until my body is wasted. Which seems not far off.

I've been on about 20,000 different types of b/c to try to control my cycles. For about a year before I was married, we tried something new after the birth control failed time and time again and a new approach was deemed necessary. Lupron injections... a synthetic hormone that forced my body into menopause, thus halting all menstrual cycles. It wasn't permanent so it wouldn't jeopardize having children something, but temporarily made me a sweaty, hot-flashing, crazy old bitch. My hubby got a super nice preview of his life in 20 years.

Menospause - now in travel size!

The Lupron worked... for a time. About a year and a half later (approximately 3 months after we got married) I stopped the Lupron to see if maybe we could get pregnant. For the first time EVER in my entire life, I had a series of normal cycles. By normal I mean every 30-35 days, 5 days long. They were still heavy, but I could PREDICT when they were going to come and this was a fascinating new thing to me. Prior to that time, my periods could have been anywhere from 2 months to a year apart, and would usually last anywhere from 3-12 weeks. No, I'm not kidding.

I was so convinced that I would get pregnant because my cycles were suddenly regular that I mangled my poor hubby in procreation sex. But it never happen, and within 3 months the wonder of regularity was going away. Right before Christmas, my period came. By March, it had not stopped once. My doctor gave me two options: a D&C and if that didn't work, a hysterectomy. I was so exhausted and fed up with all the months of bleeding and excruciating cramps that I almost caved to a hysterectomy. But I couldn't do it; I want the kids too bad.

So we tried the D&C. I was admitted to the hospital and taken in for surgery and everything went fine. I continued to bleed for another couple of weeks but it started to slow and eventually stopped. When it stopped, I decided I'd had enough of my gyno's opinions and we went to a fertility specialist. Not just to see if she could help me get pregnant someday, but to see if she had any ideas to help with my cycles. She told us she couldn't help us get pregnant right away because of my weight, but she did put me on an experimental drug that amazingly, a year later, is still working. It's called Femara and it is usually for breast cancer patients, but has been shown to help women like myself who are struggling with super-heavy flows and irregular cycles. For the first 8 months, I had no period at all. That was a very nice 8 months. Then, in November, I got the 2nd round of fairly normal cycles. Since then, I have had a period every 30-40 days, about 5-7 days long but never longer. I have real hormone surging and like actual PMS for the first time ever (my poor hubby... he'd never had to experience that with me before and now I think he questions why he married me about once a month). But there is no denying that these periods are AWFUL. I bleed so heavily that every time it first shows up I lay in bed crying, wondering if I should go to the ER. I have to sleep with towels underneath me in case my fabricated dam of the heaviest-flow tampons and TWO overnight pads doesn't hold. And the cramps are as if someone took an over-sized corkscrew, held it in the fire until it was glowing red, and rammed it up there and just started twisting it around. It's terrible.

Mad photoshop skills.

It was late this time. To the point where I though maybe it wasn't going to come and I would have a nice, long, blissful no-period time again. but it showed up yesterday, out of nowhere, and I can't even lay down for fear of bleeding everywhere. I seriously question my sanity every time it comes, wondering if children are really worth putting myself and my husband through this every time. I know how much it hurts him to see me so miserable and in so much pain and for him to not be able to do anything about it. He fully supports any decision I make, hysterectomy or not. I don't know why, entirely, I continue to put up with this, but I want our babies so ridiculously badly that I just can't give up. I will suffer through it month after month, year after year, until we meet one end or another: babies, or no chance of babies.

Turns out my vagina isn't the masochist...

I am.

*sigh*

Congratulations On Your New Baby Teenage Girl!

So, big news:

I have a new sister-in-law! Er, I guess I should say cousin-in-law-who's-now-my-sister/cousin-in-law....

My husband's cousin has been thrown into the crazy loving arms of my in-laws. She is the offspring of my mother-in-law's half-brother, who is the pinnacle and absolute definition of the word douchebag. He is a lousy piece of crap who is married to another lousy, albeit more bossy and controlling and psychotic, piece of crap (who is my cousin-in-law's step-mom... her real mom is a drug-addict and is never allowed to see her; i.e. no custody at all... great options, right?). This kid has been neglected and emotionally and physically abused for years. She is 16, but to my knowledge she has never been to an actual high school. Last year when her grandmother (my mother-in-law's mom) passed away, she spoke to our family a lot about the truth behind what was going on in her life. She lives in rural upper washington, miles from any bus stop or school and with no transportation. Her dad and step-mom will leave for months on end on road trips around the country, leaving her with little food and no money to survive with. They just tell her to stay put and care for their animals. OR they drag her along in cramped quarters on the road for weeks at a time. She is "home-schooled" but none of it is ever followed through with; no one teaches her anything, none of her "homework" is graded or tested, etc. She is basically raising herself and with her family's history, she is on the fast track to fucking up her life and winding up in the system, with very little fault of her own.

So last week, shortly after her dad and step-mom left for some Christian marriage counseling bullshit retreat in Georgia, she hopped on a bus to Eugene, Oregon with some help from her neighbors (who were more than willing to do anything to help her get away from that family) and was met there by my amazing step-dad-in-law. They drove for HOURS to get back down here to California, were completely exhausted upon arrival but nevertheless left 20 minutes later for a lawyer's office so that my in-laws could file for emergency temporary custody. Emergency custody was granted on Monday and she is now being enrolled in high school, and all of us couldn't be happier. Bear is happy to see his cousin for the first time in years and to have her be a part of our lives, as am I. As for me, I'm just stoked to see her get at least a couple of years under a stable roof, with a good, strong, loving family who respects her and wants her to succeed. I'm stoked to see her get to be a kid for a couple of years, to enjoy her last years as a teenager in high school, learning and living with people her own age. She is an amazingly strong and resilient young girl and she has so much potential, and I'm so happy to have her here. And as for my in-laws, I don't think I could possibly explain how brave and awesome they are or how much I love them. They are turning their lives upsidedown and inside out to help her and to make her a part of the family so that she can have a chance to succeed and to be a kid for a while, and that is as heroic as two people can be in my eyes.

My dear in-laws, I love you both so much. V has a real life now because of you and that is the best gift any child could ever get. You guys are amazing.

My dear V... welcome to the CrazyTrain family.

As for you, Bear... CLEAN THE CATBOX!

Oh English, Why Do I Hate Thee So?

School. Just the word makes me cringe these days.

The word homework brings on the beginning of a panic attack.

I know I have to just butch the fuck up and get through it, but god I hate school. It has never been my forte and I highly doubt it ever will be. So much for being a doctor... I'd never get through 8 more years of school + a residency.

I am taking 4 classes this semester - a full load.I am keeping up fairly well in everything but my English class (which I happen to be taking concurrently with my husband), which is my only class that I am taking online. Previously, I have excelled in online classes. No problemo; way easier for me to make my own schedule than follow someone else's. But for some reason, that is not the case this time around. Bear isn't doing very well either. I am struggling enormously. I love the language, I love reading, but I despise essays, and I despise having to critically read things. I just want to fucking read something and enjoy it at my own leisurely pace, not stampede through it because I have to have it done at a certain hour. Nor do I want to break it down bit by stupid bit and analyze every conceivable thing the author might be implying. I just want to read it, and I don't want to write about it. Blogging is the extent of my writing and I am perfectly content with leaving it at that.

English is extremely important for me because of the direction I'm attempting to head in. The nursing program at my school is EXTREMELY competitive and goes not only by grades but many other factors. One major factor is how you do in English, because apparently they've found a correspondence between how well students do in English and their likelihood to succeed in the nursing program. I personally don't see the correlation but that is not of importance; what matters is that I really need an A in English and I don't think I'm going to get it. I'm already 2 weeks behind on homework and I had an essay due this past Sunday that I haven't even looked at. The book we are reading right now baffles me and I can't stand it, so you can imagine how well I'm keeping up with that. I'm so frustrated because I know I need to do well in it, but I deplore the thought of even trying to catch up and I feel awful.

In conclusion, I will pay you $1000 to take my online English class for me if you can promise me an A. But you'll have to accept payments... like maybe $20 per month for the rest of my life, okay?

Please?

PLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEE!!!!!

Oh yeah...

I forgot to mention...

I'm a redhead now!

Effing love it.

I'm a Lazy Ass

I totally suck. I haven't posted on here in ages and I suck for it. I apologize, but here are some updates.

Thanksgiving was awesome. I made lots of food, everyone had a great time, there were no beheading or eyes scratched out, it was just great. I knew stuffing the turkey with prozac would work. =]

Christmas was equally awesome. I got everything I wanted, and more, espeically because there was again no fighting and it was just a damn pleasant day. We had all decided on a "frugal" Christmas courtesy of the economy, but apparently my mom didn't get the memo and bought me a full-sized Cusinart food processor and a 9.5 quart Le Creuset dutch oven, two things I've been drooling over and fantasizing about someday wasting money on for years. I got her a blown glass hummingbird feeder... not quite of equal value, but she loved it. And even though I was slightly embarassed at my mom's generosity when we had specified frugal Christmas (my in-laws got us a couple of video games, Cranium WOW, and a Chia herb garden for me, so I hope they didn't feel awkward because I loved it all), I can't complain because I LOVE my new kitcheny stuff. I've become a pro at hummus and pesto and pot roasts and short ribs and all that yummy stuff. Super fun, super awesome.

My new love. OMG cannot tell you how much I love it.

My other new love. Hooray!

The New Year was boring but way exciting at the same time. We did absolutely nothing to celebrate New year's, but during the vacation period for the holidays we bought a brand new TV and painted our whole downstairs. Kitchen is a fun, warm, light yellow. Living/dining room is an olive reen with a dark red "chianti" accent wall where the TV is. It feels much more like home and we looooove it. The TV was a steal, too, thanks to Circuit City going out of business, so we've been throughly enjoying it.

The new TV!

View of the living room. We're still working on window treatments...

The piano wall. Yay green!

The kitchen. Note the cat on top of the cupboards, who has built a nest of shredded napkins up there. Nice.

School started mid-January, and it's a bitch. Bear's taking 11 or 12 units while working full time (though one class is online and one is a drafting/CAD class he takes every semester for work) and I am taking 15 units. We're both taking the same online English class (that we suck at keeping up with), and we're both taking math classes that suck. I'm also taking Cultural Anthropology and BAND!!!! Indeed, I am a band geek again in the my school's Symphonic band, playing my loverly bass clarinet. Woop woop HOORAY!

So we're trying to keep up, but it's hard and I think we both feel like we never see each other anymore. It's definitely had its strain on us but we're doing the best we can with it. It all needs to be done so we're just trying to get it over with. There was a huge lack of sex but then my new hormone medication changed everything up. Now I'm the horny teenager and he's the I'm le-tired and too le-tired to get funky one. But a couple of times a month we manage to sneak in some really crazy good awesome sex, and it keeps us going. He did well on Valentine's by taking me to a French Cabaret/all-inclusive champagne gourmet dinner, and all the drinks + the sexy cabaret + the lingerie that I actually went out and bought just for the occasion PAID OFF. Great night. And did I mention how much I love that man? He really is just the most amazing part of my life. *sighrainbowsheartsgaystuff*

In geekier news, we both finally downloaded and began playing WoW. We are addicted. It is pathetic but awesome.

So indeed, we are chugging along, trying to survive in this crap economy and pull ourselves through school and come out happier on the other side. I will post more often from now on, I promise.

I leave with my favorite quote from a recently seen commerical: "Chumbawumbas man, the soundtrack to my life!"

P.S. I pulled off a 3.6 GPA for the fall/winter semester; an A in WordCore, an A in Medical Terminology, and B+ in Pysch. Not bad, eh? GO ME!

P.P.S. Daisy says HI!

Baracking the Vote and Happy Days

A week ago, I barely slept all night because I was so anxious about the next day; about what our future held and who would be elected to control our future for the country as a whole. I was terrified and beside-myself excited; I REALLY cared for the first time. And the next night, as I sat on the edge of the couch, gripping my husband's hand and barely breathing, Charlie Gibson said the words I've been waiting to hear for 2 years, "Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States of America." I couldn't help but break down sobbing and hug Bear, and I felt as if I could fly because of how much weight lifted off of my shoulders. I watched as he made the most amazing acceptance speech and Bear and I wept together (for the sake of his manliness, I wept a lot more than he did... really, I swear I did...) through the whole thing as we watched the first African-American President of the United States make MILLIONS of people feel hope and pride in their cuntry again for the first time in years. Never have a felt so hopeful about the way things can be, never have I felt so proud of a choice my country made. I am so incredibly excited to see what this man can accomplish for our country and for our people, and I have never had that feeling in my life. It is an amazing feeling, and one I will never forget or let go of. And while I found myself wholly disappointed in some other choices made around the country and in my own home state, my hope is that this man will help to reverse those decisions and help bring equality and freedom to all people, regardless of anything. The next 4 years will be a very exciting and amazing time, and my only hope is that at that time I will be blogging about how our president was re-elected for a second term and will continue to have the opportunity to bring hope and change to this country for another 4 years.

In other news, our wee Daisy graduated puppy school!!! We're not entirely sure how as she's honestly not the brightest crayon in the box, but she did very well and did come out of it knowing more than she did when she went in.

We are very proud and hope to continue her doggie education and get her Good Citizen certified.

It has been a very exciting week, and I for one am very much looking forward to what's to come...

Voting Day Eve & The Joys of Marriage

I deeply apologize for my large gap in posting lately; I feel like such a lazy bum! There was a lot of computer changing and swapping and fixing and tinkering over the last few weeks but finally, yes finally our new computer is here and up and running and AWESOME. The old one is gone, all of our pictures, music, and files are now finally in ONE place as opposed to spread out of 4 different computers & hard drives, and it's just so nice. It's organized and clean and very pretty if I do say so myself.

This thing cost us a lot in a time when we're struggling, so it's a damn good thing that it's as awesome as it is. We're just lucky we had some good help or it would not have been possible to buy, and we did really need a new computer. So anyway, now I'll be able to put pictures in with my posts whenever I want and do all that fun stuff. Very exciting, and I'm very done with all of that.

So today is November 3rd, the day before we choose the next president of the United States, among other things. I am very anxious about tomorrow. I am very concerned that things will go in a different direction than so many of us are hoping they will. I personally am voting for Obama and I cannot imagine him losing this election. I know it is possible, but I can't let myself think of that because it terrifies me. McCain terrifies me, and the thought of him taking over this country is just more than I can bear. I am also extremely passionate about Props 8 and 2, the propositions concerning same-sex marriage and animal rights, respectively. I am voting yes and no, respectively. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that Prop 8 even made it to the ballot... this is 2008, not 1955! Why on earth, in this day and age, are we putting a completely discriminatory law on the ballot? I don't care if you feel that a man and woman are the only ones who should be able to marry; it is AGAINST THE LAW to discriminate based on age, gender, religion, OR SEXUALITY. So many yes on 8 supporters find the reasoning to be that God says same-sex relationships are a sin. Has anyone in this state forgotten a huge fundamental constitutional thing called SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE? Not everyone believes in that God! Not even should have to follow those rules! EVERYONE deserves the EQUAL RIGHT to marry the person they loves. and stop with this sanctity of marriage crap. The is no sanctity left in heterosexual marriages these days. The divorce rate is skyrocketing, people get married for 24 hours and then get divorced, people marry others just to rob them blind and leave them. This is sanctity? And all the while, same-sex couples who have been in loving, committed, monogamous relationships for 30 years or more do not have the right to say "I do" and have the same rights as everyone else. Absolute bullshit. That is all I have to say about that.

Prop 2 is obvious to me, but that is because I'm an animals lover. So many people are bitching about how it will raise food costs and make life more difficult for farmers, yada yada yada. I don't care how much it costs or how it will affect the farmers. Those animals deserve to be able to move and breathe, and I care a whole lot more about that than I do about how much money the butchers and farmers make. I'd choose a farmer going bankrupt over an animal suffering for its entire life any day, so I will certainly be voting Yes on 2.

This is a tumultuous time in our country, and it is a frightening time. So many of us are struggling so hard just to make ends meet* every month, every week, even every day. Every single day I find myself wondering how we are going to pay this bill or that bill, or how we're going to buy gas or food or keep our home. I feel so alone sometimes, but then I talk with my friends and I discover that they are all struggling with the same issues and worries, and while I am grateful for the company to my misery and to have people who understand to talk to, I am deeply saddened by the fact that we are all suffering right now. Things must change, for everyone. Our country is falling apart at the seams and only drastic measures will help to stop that. I've never been one to get involved in politics or political discussions, as I tend to get to passionate and wind up fighting. So I avoid it. In the past I've felt like just one little old vote... what can that do? But this election is so important and has so much at stake that I fully intend to stand in line and cast my vote, even if I'm there for hours and standing in the rain. Barack Obama has given me so much hope and he has so much riding on him... I believe he is the one person who can turn this country around and make life better for every citizen. He is the only person who has ever evoked such passion in me for voting and stepping up to make my little voice heard. He is a great man, and I am hoping against hope that he will become the next great leader of this land and make us a great country again. I am very excited to see what happens next.

On to another topic: marriage.

I learn every day how hard it can be to keep a marriage in good health and spirits. It is made to seem like such a fairy tale at first, and at the beginning it really does feel like one. When things are new and shiny and the love never stops gushing, when fights are few and far between and it is all you can do to keep from using the word "husband" or "wife" every other word. But then the honeymoon ends and you are faced with the realities of what you are now involved in. There is something about marriage that can be so terrifying and so upsetting sometimes, and for some reason you never think of those things until after you've said your vows. The word divorce never crossed your mind until you got married, but now that you're married, the word is in the back of your head and comes up in your mind more than you ever thought it would. Now don't worry, there is no divorce happening here and I'd like to think there never will be. But it surprises me how quickly it comes to mind when we argue. I never say it, and I very likely never will, but I learned (perhaps more strongly than ever) last week that the more you love a person, the more you can hate them too. We got in a huge fight last Thursday, and for the first time ever, I walked out on Bear and went to stay with my mom. This has never happened and I think it scared us both. I was back home within 2 hours, but during the time I was gone, I felt more livid than I think I ever have in my life. Even in the real time, in the moment, while I was still angry and crying in rage at my mom's, I was perplexed at how angry I was at someone I love so much; how loving him as much as I do could go to the flip side so quickly and make me so angry at hateful at him. It's an incredibly powerful and frightening experience when you're that angry. You mull over every single little issue in your marriage, every issue with your spouse and with yourself. All those thoughts slam together as if drawn by a huge magnet and form into a giant angerball, and the thought train progresses on to what would happen if you separated. Who would get the dog? Who would get the house? Where will I live? Even though I had absolutely no intention of actually leaving him, those thoughts came up when I was at the peak of my anger. Our fight had to do with a health issue of his that he refused to see the doctor about. I made him an appointment without consulting him first which set off the fireworks, and he promptly cancelled it instead of just going. He claimed that his health was his business and his alone and that it was not within my right to make him an appointment. This made me extremely angry and by the end of the night, he agreed with me that since we are married, our own individual health is of course the business of both of us. We are married; we are supposed to be in everything together, in sickness and in health. I was livid with him for saying it was not my business, especially when I have lost every major male figure in my life (aside from him) at a premature age and I cannot handle the thought of him even getting sick. My mind automatically jumps to worst case scenario and I can't help that. And then it occurred to him and to me; I got as angry as I did because I love him as much as I do. Our fights are few and far between, and though this one was a doozy, I think we both learned something from it. I love that no matter how grand or crazy our fights can be, even as few as they are, we always come out of it stronger than before and having learned something, and that's why I know we're in this for life.

So, seeing as he will be home in 5 or 10 minutes, I should probably go take a shower so we can get some dinner.

Good luck to all at the polls tomorrow... GET YOUR ASSES OUT THERE AND VOTE!